They say it’s rude not to make eye contact. So, you try. You were raised to be polite, but know that this action has consequences. If the eyes truly are the gateway to the soul, then they reveal that which we hope to keep hidden. Like being a fraud.
Even after the slightest glance, some people can see deep into your soul. They can see through me. They know I am an imposter, fumbling my way through life.
So, I keep my head glued to my feet. It feels safer that way. When you look down, you protect your soul. Once the truth is out there, though, you can no longer conceal it.
I know people can see through me. They know my secrets. I’m a bad cook, and incoherent writer, and a shitty guitarist. I’m dumb, fat, and unlikable. However, these are not mysteries. They are empirically discernible facts. What these people can see is my shame.
I’m The Great Imposter.
Oh, just watch me deceive everyone! I’m a developer, a chef, a musician, and a writer. I’m great at all of them! But I’m really not. At all.
I’m hyperaware of this at the moment as I find myself dragged down by the riptide of depression once again. It’s led to a series of what-ifs, focusing on poor decisions, and feeling quite stuck. These gears turn on rusted shafts, struggling to make progress.
What if I’m never able to meet the standards set forth in my job description? How could anyone ever want to employ me if I lose my job? In a panic, I may message a coworker or even my boss with questions that probably hint at this. I do myself a disservice and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What if I can never find success as a writer? Did I waste a bulk of my life trying to lay the groundwork for this? Isn’t it a bad omen that I have so few subscribers on Substack? One person unsubscribed. Why? What did I do wrong? It must be because I suck.
Every passing hour brings new questions and I constantly ruminate over all of them. Continually, neurotically, feverishly.
Imposter Syndrome presupposes that you are, in fact, not an imposter. But, what if you are? Then it’s not a syndrome.
How do you know the difference? When you are not in the right headspace, you may not be able to tell. At least not easily.
You have to look back to better times and see if you thought better of yourself at that point. Then, you have to take a great leap of faith and believe. I’m not sure I can do that at the moment, even if others tell me otherwise.
Believing is tough, as is having faith in yourself. Whether it’s in yourself, others, or even a higher power, you can never be 100% certain. There’s always some margin of error. There’s always a chance to be let down, especially when your failures outweigh your successes.
So, what do I do? Right now, I don’t have an answer. All I can do is push through and tilt my head to the ground.