Notes from a low point
The experience of depression and how to support it
I’m a transparent person. I’ll tell you about my triumphs and failures, and the obstacles and stifling roadblocks I couldn’t overcome. The one thing I rarely do, though, is talk about the present.
My stories are my history, the pieces that shaped who I’ve become. The experiences that are still in progress happen behind a wall until I can look back and dissect them. Today will be different. Today, I tell you that I’m depressed.
Depression sneaks up on you. It waits around the corner, fist clenched and ready to sucker punch you when you least expect it. A black eye can make a beautiful and cheerful day a thing of the past.
It may build up at such a slow rate that you don’t notice it exists, but it hits all at once. The signs may be noticeable to those around you, but not to you. They may ask if you’re okay, and you tell them that you are. You believe that because you didn’t see it coming.
Suddenly, it overtakes you. You’re tired, your head hurts, everything becomes a burden. The quality of sleep and life are low. Your battery is drained, and your tank is on empty. It takes a while to recharge and fill back up, but the duration of that process is unknown. Weeks, months, years are all options.
In my case, I also get headaches. My eyes are dry. I carry the weight of my burdens with me, which makes getting up difficult. I ache, literally and figuratively. The thirst for sleep is insatiable.
Past experiences play a part in this, but are also the reason I know it’ll end. I’ve gotten through it before.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and its subset of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) teach us how to regulate our emotions, practice mindfulness, and build distress tolerance. Simple exercises and routines are the cold compress used to heal the black eye.
I believe it’s best to start with the easiest exercises. A personal favorite is square breathing. If you’re physically capable of doing this, sit up straight, plant your feet firmly on the floor, and straighten out your back. Close your eyes and rest your hands on your lap.
I like to use the Shuni Mudra. Then, begin your breathing. Breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds. Repeat. This calms my mind and lowers my heart rate. Tension is released. You’re still down, but not out.
You’ve got this. You can do this. If you’re also down, give this a try. Just remember, this is a step, not a solution.
The problem with discussing real-time events is that there’s no story to tell, no lesson to learn, and no memories to purge. It’s an ongoing process with more mistakes to be made.
A current mistake I’m making is called mind reading. In the right context of a conversation, I may tell someone I’m depressed. I may do the same without context in asynchronous communication.
Some people reach out to ask how you are. Some share their own stories. Others don’t acknowledge it at all. The last of these becomes a self-made trap. If someone doesn’t recognize my emotional state, I believe they think I’m a baby or I’m making excuses. I worry that their opinion of me dips and that they’ll distance themselves from me.
This is mind reading. I have no reason to believe any of these thoughts are accurate. Some people are uncomfortable discussing emotions. Some can’t relate or even understand mental health issues. In the same way that I’m wired differently, so are they. It’s not fair to put that burden on the other person.
In my case, the physical touch of a loved one helps. A small hug can go a long way. Reaching out to hold my hand shows me that you recognize my mental state and that you care.
Everyone responds differently. So if you want to help someone you know when they’re struggling, take the time to ask them questions before they’re in the throes of depression. Ask them how they want to be supported before they’re in crisis. Suggest hugs or something you know that makes them happy. In some instances, pushing the person out of their comfort zone may be the right thing to do. Get them outside on a sunny day, or take them to a ballgame.
If you’re supporting a loved one, some sympathetic trial and error may be required on your part. The depressed person may not know what will help.
Remember that it’s not your responsibility to fix anyone, and it’s not fair to put that on supporters. Just try to be present. This is an important thing to discuss with the afflicted person on good days. Communication is key, and doing it proactively can make things easier for all involved parties.
As hard as it may be, the onus is on the depressed person to take the right steps to get better on their own. For me, it’s writing.
Writing all of this out helps me. It’s a good way to take my mind off things for a little while, but it’s important to remember this is temporary relief, not a solution. I like to help people, and putting this out into the world makes me feel better.
It makes me happy to think this could help someone, and I hope it does help you.