I'm Not a Dick; I'm Just Awkward, Anxious, and Scared
An abridged glimpse into a composite scene, told from inside my head
Shit, I slammed the door. People looked. Should I tell them I’m sorry? No. There are too many people. It’s so loud. It’s okay. I’ll be okay. It’s just dinner with friends. We’re sitting down. It’ll be fine. Wait, they hugged Jane. Why didn’t they hug me? They didn’t even really say hi. She didn’t make eye contact and he just sort of awkwardly waved as if his elbow was glued to his chest. He doesn’t want to be here, probably because I’m here. Should I apologize to him? Should I tell him I’m awkward and not a dick? I could just tell them I’m going to be quiet all night so they can enjoy Jane? No. I shouldn’t. That would be more awkward. This is going to be bad. Jane should have just come by herself. It would have been better for everyone. She’s a saint. They know that. Everything she does, everything she’s gone through. Plus, she has to deal with me. I wonder if they think she’s a saint for that or pity her. Probably pity if I’m here. Probably. Wait, what was that? Somebody laughed. I should laugh.
“Hahahaha. Hilarious.”
Whew. Okay, we got through that. They knew I knew it was funny because I said hilarious. Hold on. Were they laughing at me? Ugh. They know. Uggggghhhhhh. Was that just in my head or did I audibly gasp? Oh no. They’re looking at me. I’ll just smile. I think I smiled. Keep it together. Keep it together. Hmm, wasn’t that what Eddie Murphy said in Bowfinger? I think he showed it to the Lakers girls. Yikes. Underrated movie, though. Hey, I think that killed like 30 seconds! Not too bad! Should I keep thinking about Bowfinger? What about Eddie Murphy’s standup? I GOT MCDONALD’S. Oh, there’s that line about the welfare green pepper burger. Maybe I can say that if someone orders a burger! No. A welfare joke won’t go over well. Plus, that was like 40 years ago. Did I look calmer and at ease while distracting myself? Should I keep doing it? Ohhh, another laugh. I think I heard something about bikes. I’ll use that to join in on the conversation.
“Hahahaha. Amazing. When I was a kid, I had a bike. Somebody stole it. I was roller skating in my basement and smashed my face on the stairs.”
What in the actual fuck, Marcello? What possessed you to say that? Just stay out of the conversation. What if I tell them I actually really like them but I just am nervous and… scared? Actually, I am scared. I’m always scared. I’m just trying to get through this without preventing anyone from having a good time. Let them enjoy their time with Jane. I guess opposites do attract. Does that make me the devil? No. I’ve never bought anyone’s soul. Damn, the waiter is here and taking the order. They’re looking at me.
“I’ll have the burger.”
Why did I get that look back? Ohhhhhhh, Italian restaurant.
“Kidding! I’ll have gnocchi.”
Nonna made amazing gnocchi. Her gnocchi and chicken cutlets would be my death row meal. If she was still alive. I miss her. I miss my mom. Come on. Grow up. You miss your mommy? It’s been 21 years. You baby. Waiter is still here. I should look down at the menu to make sure they have gnocchi. Uh oh. I locked eyes with her breasts. Didn’t mean to. I really didn’t. I never do, but it happens all the time. I don’t know how to explain it. Does this happen to other guys? Do women know? They have to. Is there some sort of pervert registry? I bet I’m in it. They’d have some image of me with my eyes looking slightly downward, surprised. I bet I’d have some weird smile on my face, as if I’m trying to communicate this was just a mistake. I’d probably look like a drooling fool. Homer Simpson when he was reaching for the Gummi de Milo and the babysitter thought it was for her butt. *grunting* Maybe I should just shut my eyes every time I need to look down. They think I’m objectifying women. Oh boy. They’re looking at me again.
“How is work, Marcello?”
“It’s great! How is yours?”
My work sucks and she’s on maternity leave. Great job, Marcello. I could take my glasses off and try to clean them. Maybe if I squint really hard and wipe my eyes, they’ll think I was just bleary eyed and didn’t actually see anything. Would that work? Lol, no. Did I laugh out loud? Should I say something? No. What would I say? I could call myself a boob. Would that be funny? No. I need something more tongue-in-cheek. Weird expression. Sounds so dirty. Uh oh. Am I a perv? Does everyone notice things like that, or is my mind warped? I don’t know. The food is here. I should eat. My gnocchi has green peppers. Why? Can I use the Eddie Murphy welfare joke? No. You big dumb idiot. God, I miss Archer. Jessica Walter was amazing. I was so sad when she died. Fuck, they asked me something. Context, context. I’ll figure this out. Ah, they probably wanted to know how my food is. I’ll keep it vague just to be safe.
“Amazing. You?”
I haven’t even taken a bite yet. That can’t be what they asked. Damnit. I need to tune in. I need to make it through this. It’s so loud in here. I hate it. It feels like the walls are closing in on me when it’s this loud. I’m probably autistic and just don’t know it. There are so many things I’ve been diagnosed with. Autism wouldn’t be a big leap. Maybe they know. Should I tell them? Is that what an autistic person would do? I have no clue. Or maybe I know exactly what they’d do because it’s what I’m doing. Hold on. Have I been stuck in some sort of stream-of-consciousness situation and not even noticed it? Like Molly Bloom in Ulysses. Am I a snob because I like that book? Probably come off that way. Fuck, there’s something about perfume and her breasts in that chapter, isn’t there? Oh no. I’m a perv. Is that why I like it? Maybe I like it because I’m a snob? I don’t know. Am I unintentionally doing some spoof of that chapter of Ulysses? No. I can’t be. Not smart enough. Plus, there are pauses between my thoughts. My thoughts have punctuation.
“Did you guys like James Joyce?”
Nothing wins over a tense dinner table like Modernist fiction. They’re staring again. What if everyone knows some horrible truth about me that I do not? Are they humoring me because I have the lowest I.Q. of any human ever? That can’t be right. Not that, anyway. I remember James Joyce. I’m a snob. There’s something, but I don’t think people would just humor me if they thought I was a snob. They would not hug me. They would wave with their elbows glued to their chests. Oh boy. I shouldn’t have come. How is dinner over already? People are getting up. Who paid the bill? Did I completely miss that? Nope. She was just getting up to let him go by. He’s going to the bathroom. Should I join him? Not socially acceptable. I’d probably just make some offensive joke about powdering noses. I always offend people. Why? What can I do to seem normal? How can I make them like me? How can I let them know I am good for Jane? They think she’s wasting her life with me. She could do so much better but pushes through. Is there some online form you need to fill out to get someone canonized? Do you need to buy an indulgence? Nope, not a thing anymore. Oh, I can tell them I’m in a band! That’s cool, right? No. We don’t even have a name and have only practiced three times. Jane is looking at me.
“Hon, are you okay? You’ve been very quiet tonight?”
“I’m okay. I’m always quiet.”
I played it off. That was good, right? No. Blatantly obvious. I just want to go home. I’m making them uncomfortable. My stomach is in knots. I feel like I’m going to throw up. I have since we walked in. I think I’m going to throw up. Oh no. I can’t say anything about my stomach. I did once and it made it seem like I had to poop but wanted to go home to do so. What can convey the message that I’m okay? How can I let them know Jane is in good hands? What if she isn’t in good hands? She can do better. Why hasn’t she? Loyalty has always been one of her remarkable qualities. Have we been married for this long and had a couple of kids because she’s loyal? Ohhhhh nooooo. Okay, this has to be over soon. I can make it through to the end. They’re clearing off our plates. That’s a good sign. Maybe it’s okay. Is it over? Did I make it? I’m going to take initiative here. I’ll get up and hug them. Here I go.
“It was so amazing to see both of you!”
“Hon, where are you going? We haven’t gotten dessert yet.”
Fuck.